Your kid is a Monster

Monday, January 9th, 2006
Filed Under: Chronicles» 3 Comments

Since writing the entry about kids a few weeks ago, it seems like people are talking about kids everywhere I go. Stories about their kids, and advice about kids, and people who might want to have kids, and names for kids, and…

I’m going to tell you a few things I don’t like about kids. Yeah, it’s more than just, “what is that sticky stuff on your hands, and why did you touch me”. Much more. A guy I work with brought in a book for first time fathers to lend to another guy who is having his first kid. I don’t think he read it, but I took it home and did a quick study. It was pretty entertaining. All the questions you always wanted to ask and plenty of stuff to scare the shit out of you.

One of the things the book tried to get across is that things rarely turn out like you expect. You might see a kid behaving badly in a department store, and think “my kid will never act like that”. And of course, he’ll probably be ten times worse. I don’t believe in spanking, but I often find myself in situations where I start thinking somebody needs to borrow my Mom’s hairbrush.

Oh, what kinds of situations? Glad you asked.

  • Situation#1: Your kid is sitting behind me at the theater, and you’ve asked him to loudly narrate the entire movie.
  • Situation#2: You’ve taken your kid to the barber shop and he kicks me three times and then stares straight ahead while making this noise: ba…ba…ba…babababa…for 15 minutes.
  • Situation#3: You’ve named your kid Marisol. Seriously, what is wrong with you? Turn the hairbrush on yourself.