X-Mas in the Trenches
There are two things that happen once a year and right around Christmas. Santa Claus brings the toys, and I go shopping. Not usually in that order. Incredibly, I’ve survived the last few weeks without any major incidents, and I only cried once. I did come close to cracking my head open one morning after slipping on some ice, but since nobody saw that happen, I’m going to pretend like it didn’t. Of course, I’ve already told everybody at work, and now I’ve told you people, so “pretend” is taking on a whole new meaning. Work with me here.
Interestingly, walking around stores during the holiday season reminds me how much we have in common with other people. I mean, sure, talking to a friend at work about how they also put up cat stockings means we’re both nuts, but you haven’t experienced anything until you hear another couple bickering back and forth about what gift to buy for so and so. Sometimes your eyes meet, just briefly, and one thought comes to mind: You poor sonofabitch.
The other night, after we returned from the mall, Nicole said to me, “thanks for going tonight”. Oh sure, no problem…wait, what? That seems to imply that I had options. You mean, I could have stayed home? I may have been hoodwinked. I shouldn’t be surprised. I mean, the same gender gave Adam that damn apple. And it all went to hell from there. Adam was just out in the garden running around naked, without a care in the world, and then BOOM, he’s out on his ass, no garden, no fruit, nothing. They should start letting me teach Sunday School. I’d cut the bullshit and get right down to the lesson. Women can’t be trusted. So sayeth me unto you. Amen.
The police in Austin have put the word out that they will be less forgiving during the holidays. So, use your blinker and watch that speed buddy. Uh-huh. If ever there was a time I needed to abandon the blinker and drive around like a maniac, it’s during the holidays. The blinker is overrated anyway. Like I need to give the bastard behind me notice that I’m about to move over. Yeah right. So he can speed up and cut me off? No way. If I use the blinker at all, it’s while I’m in the middle of moving over. More of a “here I come, watch out!” kind of thing.
Doesn’t Christmas music just make every store better? They should play it year round. I’m always in the mood for a little Dominic the Donkey, or that Hippo song. Maybe it’ll take my mind off how dirty your store is, and how much your teenage customer service sucks. Maybe.
With only days left until Christmas, the season is almost over. I’ll miss it when it’s gone. But a year will pass before we know it, and there we’ll both be. At the mall.
