Never Odd or Even
In this age of biggie size, oversize, up-size, and whata-size, who are they kidding putting two ibuprofen caplets in those single packages? Does anybody really only use two pills?
Two pills? That’s like eating one Dorito. It’s not very satisfying. I don’t even know how many I’m supposed to take. Is it related to body weight, or pain? Because my pain is bad. And when I say bad, I mean much worse than your pain sucka. My pain requires at least five pills, and sometimes six. I’m in a lot of pain, and I don’t play around.
All the scary stories in the news have me convinced that every sharp pain might be the last thing I ever feel. Is that a sharp pain? Was THAT a sharp pain? Am I going to have an aneurysm? Is it a tumor? Did I have to use spell check to find out how to spell aneurysm? Maybe.
If I’m having an aneurysm, are my affairs in order? What does that mean? Is that a sharp pain? Please don’t let it happen in the shower. Or…uh…some other places. My chest hurts. I might be having an infarction. Sonofa.
I heard once that they don’t really know how aspirin works. Which is fine with me, because I don’t really give a damn. I don’t need to know how things work. If I win the lottery on Saturday, I’m not going to spend much time investigating how it all worked. It did, and now I’m rich. I still won’t post more than twice a week on this site. Okay, maybe three times, but I’ll dictate the third one to my assistant.
Is it my computer monitor? I stare at it all day. That can’t be good. I stare at it when I get home too. And then I stare at the TV. And then Nicole comes home and stares at me. You know, “I can’t believe you said that” combined with a little, “you are such an ass wonderful man”. That can’t be good.
Maybe I’m thinking too hard (hahahahaha…sorry, that’s the cocaine talking). Wait until the news hits in 2020…computers cause cancer, so do pick-up trucks, Lazy-Boy recliners, and little kids with fudge ice cream smeared on their face.
And I thought the Sweet & Low was going to do me in. Is that a sharp pain?
