The Austin Traffic Report

I have a great deal of compassion for anyone that spends long hours stuck in traffic during their daily commute to work. It only takes me about seven minutes to go from my front door to my desk, but it’s often seven minutes of hellish road rage. I’ve accepted the possibility that Austin might simply attract bad drivers, but it’s an epidemic.
The bad news is that these idiots are multiplying. It may seem like a slow creep now, but the idiots are having more kids than the non-idiots, and they’re taking over. I see them at the grocery store, and at the gas station, when I leave work, and again when I wake up. It’s way scarier than seeing a few dead people.
It might seem reasonable to expect that a guy could run to Whataburger and back during halftime of the Oklahoma-Texas game, but not in this town. The idiots can make routine trips take twice as long and be twice the hassle. During what should have been a twenty minute burger run, I fell victim to at least four of the Ten Stupid Things Idiot Drivers Do In Austin.
I’m providing the full list for posterity. Feel free to add your own items.
Ten Stupid Things Idiot Drivers Do In Austin
- They refuse to turn right at a red light.
- They speed ahead of you to get in the right (turn) lane at a stop light in order to be first in line, even though they aren’t turning and you are.
- They don’t realize when the highway merge lane is their OWN LANE.
- They pump the brake pedal repeatedly when there isn’t anybody within a half mile of their vehicle.
- They pass you on the highway, move in front of you, and then slow way down.
- They go the exact same speed as the guy next to them on a two lane highway.
- They slam on their brakes the minute the light turns greenish-yellow.
- They change lanes because you were behind them even though you’re already in the other lane trying to pass them.
- They drive down the shoulder of the road to get ahead of traffic and then wedge into the smallest opening available. (Okay, I’ve done that before, but only in protest.)
- They use their car as a weapon, but speed away at the next stop light when you start to get out of your car in order to beat the hell out of them.